♪ we walk the plank with our eyes wide open we ♪ walk the plank with our eyes wide open we ♪ we walk the plank with our eyes wide open we ♪ walk the plank with our eyes wide open we ♪ some people offered up answers we made out like we heard ♪ they were only words they didn't add up ♪ to a change in the way we were living ♪ and the saddest thing is all of it could have been avoided ♪ but it was like to stop consuming's ♪ ooh to stop being human ♪ ooh and why would i make a change if you won't ♪ ooh we're all in the same ♪ boat staying afloat for the moment

♪ we walk the plank with our eyes wide open we ♪ walk the plank with our eyes wide open we ♪ we walk the plank with our eyes wide open we ♪ walk the plank with our eyes wide open ♪ we walk the plank with our eyes wide open we ♪ walk the plank with our eyes wide open we ♪ walk the plank with our eyes wide open we ♪ with our eyes wide open we walk the plank ♪ we walk the plank with our eyes wide open we ♪ we walk the plank we walk the plank ♪ we walk the plank with our eyes wide open we ♪ we walk the plank we walk the plank ♪ with our eyes wide open we that was the end of the story. ♪

( cheers and applause ) >> dave: great! that sounds fantastic. nice job. gotye, ladies and gentlemen. making mirrors. good to see you, thank you very much. good to have everybody here. there they are. they are from australia. how about that. this is the album. thanks for watching. good night, everybody. >> [laughter] craig: diners, drive-inn is and dives. [applause] please state your name for the folks at home when i gesture toward you.

>> susan. >> linda. >> kevin. craig: are you three related in any way? >> yes. [laughter] craig: where are you from? >> iowa. craig: iowa? how do you pass away the long evenings at home in iowa? >> drink. craig: drink? really? [laughter] after you have had a couple of drinks, do you start thinking to yourself, hey, i have a good idea, let's dye our hair the same color? [applause] now i'm guessing that there was some lady beauty treatments going on and you were a little buzzed up and you were like -- that's what happened, isn't it? oh, come on! >> go for it. craig: that's how i got my breast implants. [laughter] so what do you guys do? you're all -- live in the same

house? >> we're married. craig: you're married? >> this is my sister from california. >> i'm from southern california. craig: oh, so your hair is naturally that color? >> yeah. craig: you moved to california? >> yes. craig: so you will be the vegan liberal of the family? >> i am. [laughter] craig: i'm kidding. i'm kidding. i'm kidding. what part of iowa do you live in? >> des moines. craig: i've been there. they have that theater there. what is the name of that theater? >> the living theater? craig: sure. you don't go to the theater that much, do you? let me guess, it was your idea to come to this show tonight? >> it was. we couldn't get any other one. [applause]

craig: no, i think that is fair. i can tell by your style you're drawn to that kind of -- [applause] anyway, we were doing the christmas card. i thought you guys would be great for it. [applause] we'll be right back. >>♪ it's hard to stay up it's been a long, long day and you've got the sandman at the door but hang on leave the tv on and let's do it anyway it's ok you can always sleep through work tomorrow ok hey, hey tomorrow's just your future yesterday ♪ [captioning made possible by worldwide pants, inc., and the cbs television network] ♪

[ male announcer ] start with a simple idea. think. drink coffee. design something totally original. do it again. that's good. call in the engineers. call in the car guys. call in the nerds. build a prototype. mold it. shape it. love it. give it a starting price under 16 grand. uh-oh. the finance guys. you can't do that. [ male announcer ] kick out the finance guys. take it to the track. tweak. tweak. tweak. stop.

take it to the car shows. call the critics. win some awards. making a groundbreaking car -- it's that easy. ♪ will: [ inner voice ] the only place i can afford. i'm so glad you're home. yeah. will: [ inner voice ] if i was smart enough to pounce on the daily double for just a buck 99 on the mcdonald's extra value menu i can handle this. i got this great loft space. ooo, very cool. activating protection, bear! the more you move, the more it works! [ roars ] [ screaming ] new long lasting degree with motionsense help me! keep running!

>> ladies and gentlemen, craig ferguson! [applause] craig: candy! geoffrey peterson! hi, everybody. welcome to los angeles, california. welcome to "the late, late show." i'm your host, tv's craig ferguson. thanks, everybody. thank you.

thank you, everyone. thanks very much. quietly. quietly. take it easy! shh. quietly. dayummm! [laughter] mm-mm. [laughter] very nice audience. they have made my nipples perky. [laughter] oh! it's great day for america, everybody! [applause] now, i say that, i say that but it actually isn't because the president of iran is in new york today. president mochmoud ama -- that guy! he's visiting the u.n. he's been in america one day and he's already surged past mitt romney in the polls. that's unbelievable! the president ama -- he was

interviewed on piers morgan's show. i can't believe cnn let that shady dude into the building and gave him airtime. and also the guy from iran. ah-ha-ha. you see what i did? you knew i was going to do it but you enjoyed it anyway. you knew i was going to do it but you enjoyed it anyway. [laughter] that's a double entendre. it means you knew i was going to have sex with you and you enjoyed it anyway. [laughter] oh, yeah. oh, yeah. >> don't start. >> all right. ok. president obama says didn't have time to go the u.n. today. but he did have time to tape an appearance on "the view." [laughter] that's true. oh, yeah, the president of iran is here. i'm doing "the view"! but it was a tough interview for him. he faced a grilling from barbara walters. [barbara walters] "mister pwesident, does mitt womney weally hate you? what's the deal with the patwiots wast night?"

i meernings whaaaa? if i seem like i have an extra bit of wind in my sails, it's because the new "dancing with the stars" was on tonight. i enjoyed it immensely. [laughter] i have also got wind in my sails because i cut holes in my underpants. i saw you smile! that was unprofessional of you. i said underpants and you went mmm. like that. >> i'm about to cut something myself. craig: you were saying -- that was a little bit mm-hmm. can i talk about "dancing with the stars"? even though it is not on this network? it is on abc! >> you started. craig: all right. so what i'm saying is everybody loves "dancing with the stars." even al qaeda likes "dancing with the stars."

in their latest tape they were like -- [indian accent] "death to america. but only after we see joey fatone do the macarena." i've said it a thousand times. al qaeda invented the macarena. they did! ♪ death to america there are uncomfirmed reports that al qaeda also invented "gang-nam style." [laughter] ♪ oh, yeah. get with it grandma. that's with the kids are doing now. "dancing with the stars" is on abc, but they actually tape it here in television city. when i drive into the building, i see all the people lined up to be in their audience. it's funny watching them get excited. they think they'll see a celebrity. then they realize it's just me, and go "ehhh." it is a bit like the audience here. hey, wait a minute. this season's "dancing with the

stars" is called the "all stars" edition. in previous years, people complained they'd never heard of the stars. well, not this year. this is the "all stars" season. they've all been on before. big names like -- sabrina bryan, melissa rycroft, and giles marini. [laughter] yes, the giles marini. they got him. or her. [laughter] geoff: not the giles marini. craig: yes! giles marini. hey, just because i've never heard of them, doesn't mean they're not big stars. in theory, they'll be better dancers because they've been on the show before. i don't know if that works. but then i've done a gazillion episodes of this show, and look at me. let's see a picture of the cast. wait a minute, who is that there at the bottom next to pamela anderson? [laughter] that's me and larry king doing jazz hands!

[laughter] well, i'm doing jazz hands. larry's having an episode. aaahhh! i'd never be a contestant on that show. unless someone asked. [laughter] most of them are from tv. except pamela anderson. she's a movie star. i've seen her movie -- that movie where -- look! it is a real movie, i saw it! it is movie where tommy lee drove a boat with his penis. it's true. they were stranded at sea. he was like don't worry. i got it. [laughter] i tried that once. i tried steering a boat with my penis. it got me kicked out of the pool at the ymca. *like that's the worst thing that's happened at the ymca pool. [laughter]

anyway, the members of the cast of this year's "dancing with the stars," sabrina bryan. she's a star on the disney channel. i've never seen her show but i'm sure it's peppy and upbeat. not like the kids shows i watched growing up in scotland. "it's raining and we're all going to die. [laughter] a, b, c, d, what's the point?" [laughter] twinkle twinkle dirt doesn't even twinkle -- doesn't even twinkle -- "dancing with the stars." ladies, guys who are good dancers are also good in bed with other guys. at mitly. -- admittededly. there are versions of "dancing with the stars" all over the world. in britain it's called "come dancing." that's what it is called! that is what it is called!

you google that. google it. right. that's what it is called. come dancing it is called. geoff: yeah. yeah. craig: in spain it's called "let's dance." in germany it's called "dancen poopen." [laughter] that one i made up. i think it is called "dance or you will die." this is true. the german philosopher frederich nietzsche said, neech or neech-zee. he said "i would believe only in a god that knows how to dance." that's a well-known quote. but it's not so well known that nietzsche himself loved to dance. really. do we have a picture of nietzsche on typical saturday night? there he is! [laughter] "what doesn't kill you will only make you dance, dance, dance."

[laughter] geoff: gangham style. craig: that's not gangnam style. what is that? geoff: it is gay man style. i'm gay. tonight's program is brought to you by the outrageous game that has everyone dancing. dancing poopen. dance, dance in your pants, ya. ♪ ♪ my life begins today ♪ ♪ fly by night away from here ♪ ♪ change my life again ♪ ♪ fly by night, goodbye my dear ♪ ♪ my ship isn't coming ♪ and i just can't pretend oww! ♪ [ male announcer ] careful, you're no longer invisible

in a midsize sedan. the volkswagen passat. the 2012 motor trend car of the year. that's the power of german engineering. boring. boring. [ jack ] after lauren broke up with me, i went to the citi private pass page and decided to be...not boring. that's how i met marilyn... giada... really good. yes! [ jack ] ...and alicia. ♪ this girl is on fire [ male announcer ] use any citi card to get the benefits of private pass. more concerts, more events, more experiences. [ jack ] hey, who's boring now? [ male announcer ] get more access with the citi card. [ crowd cheering, mouse clicks ]

[ male announcer ] every time you say no to a cigarette you celebrate a little win. nicorette gum helps calm your cravings and makes you less irritable. quit one cigarette at a time.

[applause] craig: ♪ welcome back, everybody. welcome back to the show where tonight geoff and i have decided we're going dye our hair platinum blonde. right, geoff? i'm going to dye this hair platinum blonde. what hair have you got? last week cbs started putting beth on the floor to keep an eye on us to make sure we have not gone too far. the audience -- people have been writing. they are very upset. they don't like it. [laughter] they feel that beth is in some way, slowing me down and you

know, getting me to behave properly. i'm like strudel no. [laughter] it is a slang word, beth. it is a slang word. and they are saying, the whole idea is that, you know, we are going streamline the show and make it a little more kbs -- cbs, broadcast friendly. not so much sexual innuendo. but i have to tell you you look what's a come and a go? [applause] look. i can't -- i'm sorry. i'm a passionate man. i cannot keep inside me what i know to be true. i look at you and i'm like dayummm. i'm a man. i might be a painted tv clown to you, sure! but inside these pants beats a

thunderously impressive peensice. [laughter] i think she is having a great time with it, don't you? >> a penis that can steer a boat. [laughter] >> why do you have to make it so hard? [laughter] craig: that's great! that's great! you're helping! you're helping! what time is it, geoffrey peterson? geoff: tweetmail time. time to take advance from a man who thinks ballroom dancing is swaying while wearing loose-fitting boxers. craig: let's do our own jingle. ♪ e-mail twitter time geoff: e-mail twitter time ♪ [laughter] this is from madeleine in philadelphia. ever been there? got a place there? swimming? geoff: balls. craig: that's usually what you

say. geoff: i made a moby dick reference. craig: dear craig, are you really bringing g.p. to radio city? that would be amazing. i already have tickets. well, yes. i'm going to radio city music hall. when is it? geoff: the sixth of october. craig: book early to avoid disappointment. and geoff is going -- are you going to be there? geoff: i'll be there. craig: backstage? geoff: no. craig: for much of it, though. this is from lucas from bonn , germany. what do they say at the german nightclubs when you and i walk into the clubs? ♪ here come the players ooh, ooh they are so exciting ♪ ♪ [laughter] geoff: here come the players ♪

♪ craig: that's it. ok. this is from lucas in bonn, germany. dear craig und geoff. would you ever consider doing a show in germany? i know many people who would love you to. [laughter] well, if we are receiving this correspondence from you, then perhaps we are already somehow reaching germany? [laughter] geoff: ya. i think our show there is called "dancing poopen." craig: if you just tuned in and you are watching in the united states, you are maybe not understanding because i am speaking german. [laughter] i learned it from old movies. correct, geoff? geoff: that is correct. craig: ♪ here come the players ♪ geoff: ♪ here come the players ♪ craig: this is from ralph in

shreveport, louisiana. dear craig and geoff. geoff. wow, i started talking like ralph. dear craig and geoff. can someone explain to me how the saints are 0-3? i don't get. i well, what happens is you suspend your coach. you take the smartest mind in football and say don't you get involved. [laughter] i'm no sports expert, but that seems to me unwise! [laughter] unwise! [laughter] geoff: unwise! [laughter] craig: does that seem fair? we're out of time. so we'll jus do a couple more. dear craig and geoff. my roommate doesn't like me to have people over. what do you think. don't care. hi craig and geoff.

people make fun of me because i drive a crappy car. so they recollected. finally, this is from joseph in rapid city, south dakota. after watching your show last week, i decided i think beth, the cbs exec is very hot. is she single? are you single, beth? [laughter] >> i will answer him personally after the show. [laughter] craig: yeah. he's a looker too, baby. look at that. [applause] i can't remember what -- geoff: who the hell cares? craig: you know, we shouldn't -- you know what we should make fun of beth for? not because she is trying to do her job properly but because she drives a crappy car. >> i would actually like that. that is better than making me the butt of every joke. craig: you're nothe butt of

every joke. you're here. you're doing a job. i respect that you have a tough job to -- [laughter] no, come on, man. geoff: what a fine butt it is. [laughter] craig: and we come full circle. we'll be right back, everybody. that was me still taking insulin with a vial and syringe. me, explaining what i was doing at breakfast. and me discovering novolog mix 70/30 flexpen. flexpen is pre-filled with your pre-mix insulin. dial the exact dose. inject by pushing a button. no vials, syringes or coolers to carry. flexpen is insulin delivery my way. novolog mix 70/30 is an insulin used to control high blood sugar in adults with diabetes. do not inject if you do not plan to eat within 15 minutes to avoid low blood sugar.

tell your healthcare provider about all medicines you take and all of your medical conditions, including if you are pregnant or breastfeeding. most common side effects include reactions at the injection site, weight gain, swelling of your hands and feet, and vision changes. other serious side effects include low blood sugar and low potassium in your blood. get medical help right away if you experience serious allergic reactions, body rash, trouble with breathing, fast heartbeat, sweating, or if you feel faint. i would have started flexpen sooner, but i thought it would cost more. turns out it's covered by my insurance plan. thanks to flexpen, vial and syringe are just a memory. ask your doctor about novolog mix 70/30 flexpen, covered by 90% of insurance plans, including medicare. find your co-pay at myflexpen.com. silverado! the most dependable, longest lasting, full-size pickups on the road. so, what do you think? [ engine revs ] i'll take it. [ male announcer ] it's chevy truck month.

now during chevy truck month, get 0% apr financing for 60 months or trade up to get the 2012 chevy silverado all-star edition with a total value of $8,000. hurry in before they're all gone! and the competition to make the menu is crazy fierce! you can taste the tension in the room. how did you get in here? [ berman ] new southwest flavors now part of applebee's 2 for $20. see you tomorrow.

[applause] ♪ craig: welcome back, everybody. welcome back. my first guest tonight is a great big movie star. his new series, "vegas

shaft. i made my choice. you don't like it, move your ranch. >> that is not going to happen. >> get out of here or i'll have you arrested for trespassing. >> you heard the man. craig: i'm in! i'm in! [applause] dennis quaid, everybody squp -- everybody! dennis quaid! [applause] dennis! dennis! you have gone crazy.

>> i sometimes do. craig: that is really bad ass. your jeans are ripped! what the hell, man? you have gone completely punk! [laughter] >> no. it is only for the show. i'm a passivist. craig: that's what guys who are really bad ass always say just before they kick your ass. >> you do a show like this and no matter where i go, somebody is going to want to try to kick my ass. craig: i have that but that is because i'm european. [laughter] are you a fighter? have you trained to fight? >> i boxed when i first came out here at the hollywood ymca. craig: really? >> while you were in the pool. i was boxing. craig: i was taking my boat around. boxers, hello! >> i never hit below the belt. i can tell you that. craig: do you still box? boxing is a great workout. >> it is a really good workout. i have been cycling lately.

road biking around the -- city. craig: what the hell is this? do you wear lycra? >> the signal you give to cars so they won't hit you. please don't hit me. craig: i'm going over here. do you wear lycra. >> what is lycra? craig: it is like spandex. >> you have to so the people can see you. yes. craig: are you wearing it now? [laughter] >> want to see? craig: no. a little bit, actually a little bit. [laughter] hey, tell me about -- you're working at cbs? >> working at cbs. we both have the same boss now. [laughter] craig: are they being -- >> they have been great to us. craig: we'll see how that goes. >> three shows. well, you have been here a long time. i have been here for a long time. they take me for granted now, if

they know i'm here, which they don't. [laughter] so tell me about the show, "vegas." where is it set? [laughter] >> zing. we actually shot in las vegas, new mexico, believe it or not. now we have completely rebuilt the set in santa clarita, california. we built vegas as it was back then. vegas doesn't look like vegas anymore. craig: no, it doesn't. if you know where to go. do you ever spend any time -- are you a gambler? >> yes, i do like the game of blackjack. craig: you do? oh, well, you had better hope this series does well. are you any good? >> sometimes i'm good. sometimes i'm not so good. craig: what about the poker? that is the big thing with the celebrities. >> i'm not into the texas hold emthing. i like the faster games.

i like the aerobic -- craig: that is a workout video i want to see. that would be cool. wear your lycra. >> spin, spin, spin. craig: double down. double down. that's nice! so the vegas show, you play a tough guy that goes nuts? >> i play a -- no, i play a real guy. it was sheriff ralph lamb. they was sheriff from 1960-1978. a fourth generation rancher. craig: he is probably pretty tough. he was sheriff of last las vegas during the time when the mob really came in. craig: they are not there anymore. [laughter] nice job. [laughter] >> oh, yeah, they all went away. they are not here no more. >> fell off the roof. craig: they ain't here. they went over there.

>> actually the corps vegas pretty much running. craig: who runs the corporation? >> the mob. craig: actually that was like jay leno there. [laughter] anyway, so -- so he was the sheriff. so who is your -- do you have a lady sheriff in this? michael chiklis? [laughter] >> no, he's the mobster. craig: yeah, i can see how that would work. i'm excited about this show. i think it is going to be good. >> cowboys versus gangsters. craig: i like that. did you see the "cowboys versus aliens" movie? >> no, i missed that. craig: it wasn't great. >> but we didn't take anything from that. craig: you'd be right not to. >> except the word cowboy.

craig: that is not copyrighted. you can say cowboy. ooh, look, a cowboy in the swimming pool at the ymca. >> look, he is doing the cowboy. craig: oh, well, we're out of time here, dennis. can i offer you a selection of -- you can help yourself from our fruit basket here. >> absolutely. craig: what would you care for? i got some clementines. i got a pomegranate here. >> a kiwi. this is a kiwi. craig: it is the closest we can get to a cumquat without getting censored. what the hell is this? >> what is that? craig: looks good. >> looks like a lady coconut. [laughter] craig: it is a lady coconut. and one day she will meet a gentleman coconut and they will

have little -- well, that is nice. what the hell is that? >> that's a freddy kruger fruit i think. craig: freddy kruger fruits? freddy krugerfruit still works in vegas. >> i hear you do a great clinton, by the we. craig: no, you did a great clinton in that thing. i do italian clinton. >> let me just hear it. craig: what's a come and a go. >> well, i can do that too. [applause] >> [speaking italian] craig: nice. dennis quaid, everybody! we'll be right back. why do we have aflac...

aflac... and major medical? major medical, boyyy, yeah! [ beatboxing ] berr, der berrp... ♪ i help pay the doctor ♪ ain't that enough for you? ♪ there's things major medical doesn't do. aflac!

pays cash so we don't have to fret. [ together ] ♪ something families should get ♪ ♪ like a safety net ♪ help with food, gas and rent, so cover your back, with... ♪ a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aflac! [ male announcer ] help protect your family at aflac.com. [ beatboxing ] for a golf getaway. double miles you can actually use... but mr. single miles can't join his friends because he's getting hit with blackouts. shame on you. now he's stuck in a miniature nightmare. oh, thank you. but, with the capital one venture card... you can fly any airline, any flight, any time. double miles you can actually use. what's in your wallet? alec jr? it was a gift.

[applause] ♪ [applause] craig: "dancing with the stars," my ass! [laughter] "dancing with the fake horse in eye shadow" that's what americans want! [applause] some americans. [laughter] the creepy ones. [laughter] you. [laughter] my next guest is a very beautiful actress who stars in

"the office" thursday nights on nbc. take a look at this. >> where did you get that story? >> a little bit here and a little bit there. i bet you didn't think i knew current events. >> i love it. >> i'm not really good at public speaking. >> don't think of it as public speaking. think of it as the news. you sing it. ♪ blah blah blah. >> ♪ blah blah blah. >> bring it home. big finish. >> ♪ blah blah blah craig: ellie kemper, everybody! [applause] wow! girl, you look fantastic! >> well, that is because over the people back there.

craig: dennis quaid? he was like let me get the -- >> put everything in order. poof. that's because they transformed me. when i came in -- craig: you look nice. >> you always look good. you look very youthful. craig: why are we making this about me snsm you have a problem with me complimenting you? >> i should just accept it. thank you. craig: you look great. >> i got married. maybe that's why. craig: clearly the regular sex agrees with you. [laughter] >> the sanctions. craig: yes, the regular sex sanctioned by society and the church of your choice. >> yes. any church. craig: gives you that warm feeling of you're not breaking the law and you're still having fun. [laughter] >> i love this new studio, by the way. i love it. it is spacious. it is gorgeous. craig: you have a lovely view. we didn't lose the view at all. >> no, the view is still in tact.

craig: unbelievable. we have the rhino head. lovely pictures. betty white. justin bieber. paul mccartney. paul mccartney. pat sajak. this was his studio. >> i know it was. craig: he had his very famous late night show from this studio. >> first of all, look, i don't know pat sajak personally yet. craig: you probably will. >> i probably will but i'm a huge fan of "wheel of fortune" among other things. craig: like what? >> chocolate. craig: sanctioned sex. >> i'm a huge fan of church-sanctioned sex. craig: and chocolate. do you ever combine? >> straight to the heart. straight to the heart. are you enjoying this new studio? craig: yes, i like it a lot, but i think it is haunted. >> after having said i'm like -- well, i'm catholic. but let's talk about -- do you

believe in spirits? >> well -- something horrible happened here. sometime ago. i'm not just talking about pat sajak's late night show. [laughter] it seems to be possessed with the evil spirit of corporate america. [laughter] >> oh. craig: no, it is all right. it is all right. you do look great, nosme you look fantastic. how have you been? >> we got married in new york. craig: we didn't, did we? >> no. craig: that would be awkward because i'm already married and i'm not catholic. so there is two. >> two instances where i can't do that. craig: did you have a big wedding? >> it was like 200 people. craig: that's huge. >> how big was your wedding? craig: me and my wife. but it was snowing.

>> what do you mean? craig: well, we were going to have this wedding. wait, wait, wait. this is about me again. >> we had the opposite of snowing. it was in july in new york. it was so hot. obviously who plans a wedding in new york in july? craig: you. >> it was very hot. craig: is your husband from new york? >> no, but we met in new york. we're hopeless romantics. we met in new york craig: wait until you have kids. that will disappear. like the wind. then it will be all i really want is sleep, you bastard! i'm bringing a plivels to this. >> no! craig: no, really, i'm not getting any sleep at all. i just fell asleep right there. [laughter] >> but you're a master of disguising it. craig: yes. i'm going to have my eyes tattooed on my eyes. >> how much sleep do you get a day?

>> about 45 minutes. not all together. >> oh, no. i haven't had a child. i hate it when i try sympathize with someone "who do you think you are"? has had a child. i'm like i know about the sleep. >> are craig: that is fine. make sure you enjoy your life now because when you have kids -- >> i have an idea in my head. i hope it doesn't come through especially now that i know it is hauntsed. i have this -- i haven't really envisioned my life past age 40. i just haven't. i know there could possibly be 60 years after that. craig: all right. are r i'm going to 100. i feel like well, i should get an understanding of what will happen then. what will happen is a lot of sleepless nights. craig: i'm 50 now. 50. >> wouldn't ever believe that. [laughter] what i'm saying is you look

fantastic, at any age. [laughter] [applause] >> i said everything wrong. craig: no, no, it is great. really, i appreciate it. [laughter] i'm falling asleep again. [laughter] >> no. craig: no, things do change as you get older. i never envisioned myself making it past 28. >> well, -- craig: i don't think anyone who knew me, they would say 28's about right. no, it is a whole different thing. there is doctors and things. >> yeah, no. i have -- my grandpa is 92 and he often tells me about -- craig: the olden days? and his -- craig: his business? when you get past 90, you can be as rude as you want. everyone will think it is cute. >> i think people play that to the max. craig: when get to be that old,

i'll be like my balls are hanging all over the place. oh, grandpa, you're so cute. you want to see an photograph of my penis? here is my penis in florida. >> grandpa! shows cute. he's a doll. i think some people play that up and you maybe might. craig: i went too early. i've been doing it now. >> how old are you? craig: 50. >> too personal. craig: how old is my penis? my peen sis the same age as me. >> ageless. craig: no, it is certainly feeling -- what the hell man? oh, god. are you talking about penises? yes! health conscious. well, we're out of time. so how is the show this year? >> the show is great. craig: great. so you want a piece of fruit? i think we found out what this is called. what is it called?

beth, what is it called? you're beth now? you're beth? this is a lady coconut. no, no. >> say it. craig: i was going to say you know how you can tell it is a lady coconut? >> how? craig: i'm not going to say it. no, because some women still enjoy this show. i'm not going to piss them off any more than i already have. this is a pomegranate. you can also use them as a tool. >> a screwdriver. oh, i like a pomegranate and also -- craig: we're shopping? what else do you want then? >> i'm sorry if you have been through this. craig: that is a reptile fruit. it is made of reptile. >> i do not want that one. craig: do you want -- >> is it just the same but

different? craig: yeah, it is the same but different. >> maybe i'll have an orange. craig: all right. put them both in one hand. awesome. ellie kemper, everybody! we'll be right back. to physics, right? so, explain this. how can something get bigger.. and smaller? there's more of it.. and less of it? well, i guess the laws of physics are more like.. general guidelines.

[ male announcer ] start with nothing. build a ground-breaking car. good. now build a time machine. go here. find someone who can build a futuristic dashboard display. bring future guy back. watch him build a tft display like nothing you've ever seen. get him to explain exactly what that is. the thin-film transistor display -- [ male announcer ] mnh, maybe not. just show it. customize the dash. give it park assist, that fuel efficiency flower thing. send future guy home. his work here is done. destroy time machine. win some awards. send in brady. that's how you do it. easy.

dad, we want pizza. you guys said tacos. [ female announcer ] it doesn't always work out that way. you know what? we're spending too much money on eating out anyway. honey, come look at this. [ female announcer ] my money map from wells fargo is a free online tool that helps you track your spending. so instead of having to deal with a tight budget, you could have a tighter family. ♪ wells fargo. together we'll go far. but i'm still stubbed up. [ male announcer ] truth is, nyquil doesn't unstuff your nose. what? [ male announcer ] alka-seltzer plus liquid gels speeds relief to your worst cold symptoms plus has a decongestant for your stuffy nose. thanks. that's the cold truth!